~20.04.23~

i had a really weird dream o.O so, i dreamt of catra and adora? (from cartoon she-ra and the princesses of power btw) and i think i had catra's pov, but sometimes i saw her face too. really confusing, sorry. in this dream they weren't girlfriends, catra was dating some other girl, adora was single. the thing was that catra's gf was supposed to die in a plane crush i think. catra said hell nah and decided to pilot plane herself, thinking this would change something. it obviosly didn't. catra's plane crushed too. she survived, but gf didn't. catra was depressed. she was sitting on a bench with some people. she was exausted and laid down on a person's to her right shoulder. a person to her left did the same and they cutely were resting on each other. they did all that without a word. then another person (i think it was adora, but im not sure, i had catra's pov in that moment and didn't see their face) sat down to catra's right. she put her head on adora's shoulder and catra squeezed her hand. it was really sweet and also sad, but kinda comforting? then suddenly we are outside of cafe? (i hate when dreams do that, like wtf happened, why are we in a new place all of a sudden??) adora and catra were arguing and adora said smth about having a crush on a best friend. catra went silent. and in such dramatic moment I WOKE UP

so depressing when ur dreams are more interesting than ur life... today is thursday, so its ukranian language class day god, our professor talks so MUCH i don't understand how is it possible to talk THAT much? and mostly her stories are off topic. i mean, it's about our culture and history, but girl, that's not ur job?! and i love when she asks about our homework randomly (i haven't done even a single task). i have syllabus, but i don't understand what exactly we already done and what not. she asks about our homework, i try to find it in syllabus and guess what. IT'S NOT THERE. does she have a different one or something? the most annoying thing is though she continues class after it's already ended. and she can go on for more than 20 god damn minutes without noticing! imagine loving talking that much. or i guess she really loves ukranian culture and history i guess. sweet, but i can't listen you forever...

coding this page is pain in my ass. i couldn't figure out how to hide other entries, but now, thanks to chatgpt, i understood. chatgpt is honestly such a blessing, i couldn't do my python codes w/o them. so sad that im forced to code in python bc of uni, i much prefer html. coding a website so much fun! and here is predicting stock prices in python... YAWN!!! yk, it kinda sounds interesting, but i promise it's not, especially when errors occur. THAT'S the moment i close jupiter notebook and forget about python for a whole day. it's even worse when chatgpt doesn't undersand the problem and doesn't help.

yeah sorry, this entry is gonna be looong. yk the feeling when you write first entry in journal and then forget about journal entirely? yeah. so, i just came back from 'stretching'. i made a big progress! now i can do a right split with three cubes! and im one cube away from a side split. this was my lucky day. afterwards, i drank hot cholocate. the problem that no one talks about is how hard it is to find an actual good hot chocolate in cafes. the one i got wasn't the worst and definitely not the best. then we went to bakery, outside of which we saw a dog!! she was so cute i had to take a picture!! im so sad i couldn't give her any food, i'm sorry :c also my family for some reason are all in bad mood and, of course they HAVE to take it all on others. i fucking hate that. i can be in a bad mood too, but guess what, i don't make everybody else miserable!! crazy, right?? can they do that too pls.

~21.04.23~

hello!!! today i had couple of dreams, but i remembered only one ;-; i was doing something in my laptop (i was at home btw) and some random guys were standing next to me. what the hell were they doing in my house also funny thing, i wasn't in my room, but in my uncle's. he's planning to move out and i reallyyy want his room. it's big, has nice lighting and mine is always dark and small as hell. i guess my brain already counts that room as mine

so, i was minding my business and those assholes were saying:'they probably thinks we are annoying', 'we are bothering them'. my god, SHUT UP. i didn't care about them until they talked about me. finally, they were going away and one of them stopped and looked what i was doing. he said something and i finally looked at my laptop instead of screen. i saw some weird things on my laptop. the guy touched it and said: 'those are probable insect eggs'. and i saw those eggs too. i stood up, went to my mom's room and said:'come here, come here'. she stood up and i woke up. and you know the trippiest thing? i woke up and saw my mom in my room waking me up. isn't this crazy??

this was definitely a day... i had one class instead of two and we were told to watch a video about ukranian entrepreneurs and write an essay about them. turns out, we had to do it till the end of the day. i literally planned to go out. well okay, i thought, i'll just do it quickly. the video was an hour and a half long. i fucking hate my life. so i watched it all, wrote an essay (barely), but i had to postpone a meeting with my friend for an hour.

i forgot to say that my mom met my dance ex-teacher. for some uknown reason, my mom told her i do strecthing now. yk what my ex-teacher said? "she can do it with me and *her daughter's name*". for understanding, i was in dance team and i left bc of the team, not bc i didn't like dancing. also, i had a break for 3 years, so i don't stretch as well as i did before. going back to her makes me shiver of fear and embarassment (even tho i don't hate her, she is really strict, but i kinda liked her). but, at the same time, i really can't get that out of my mind, you know? i obviously will not return and still...

i and my friend went to a mall and on our way we saw a limping dog. she was going after us, i almost cried. my decision was to buy her food. we went to mall, bought food, returned, but the dog wasn't there. we were looking everywhere for 10 minutes, until i accidentally saw her on the other side of a street. we ran to her and this time she didn't come to us, she was running away from us. she ran to paid parking lot. my friend stayed behind, cuz we thought she was afraid of her. if you go further, there will alot of grass and dirt (also it's been a rainy week overall, so you can imagine how dirty it was), then wall, behind which were tram trucks. this poor dog ran to that wall and i couldn't see her no more. i stand there in panic for 10 more minutes, thinking she will come back (she obviously didn't). i was really sad, bc how traumatised this poor dog must be to be so scared of me, when i just wanted to feed her this is why i fucking hate humans. she did nothing wrong, why would they be so cruel?! i went back to my friend and we were stopped by the guards. they asked what were we doing. i said that we tried to give food to the dog, but she ran away. they pointed to a bowl and told us, that we are doing a good thing and also to come back. we were going back to the mall. my shoes were dirty, my pants at the bottom were wet as hell, but it was worth it also we saw the dog at the parking lot entrance. she really just got around of me, so smart!!! can't even be mad. she went back to the mall, but i think she still came back to thee bowl and ate it. if not, atleast some other dog did. wouldn't it be akwkard if it was still full? afterwards, our walk was as usual. in a trolleybus, we saw my math teacher at school. before we left, i said hi to her and she kissed my cheek it was so refreshing to see familiar faces !!! really glad she still likes me hehe. that's it for today!! thanks for tuning by, i will finish eating my mom's pizza!!

~22.04.23~

i definitely had a dream today but i already forgot so no dream story today today was a lazy day, i stayed home all day. BUT. something historical happened. my uncle and his family FINALLY moved out for further understanding, before this day, I lived among 7 people: my parents, grandparents, uncle, his wife, and their son, as well as a cat, a snail, and a guinea pig. (we live in a apartment btw, we are NOT rich). they moved out before, but not for long, cuz it was "too expensive" (my uncle always spends money on stupid expensive shit he doesn't really need that much). im still happy tho, their son is annoying as fuck. oh my god, he is my cousin... damn, that's so sad, i always forget about that. anyway, they moved to an apartment close to us, i would say it's too close for my liking, but whatever... all three of them are annoying so i don't feel sad at all!!!

who would've think that planning ur day actually can make you productive??? crazy... i did some tasks today, cried while doing python codes (but still i somehow fixed a mistake i was getting) and procrastinated most of the time doing coursework (do yall even have that?) coursework is so stupid i swearr. i feel like a lost puppy. but i did one subdivision today... out of nine... but yk, at least some process!! yay??

im not sure what else to tell? i need to finally make a page about my dolls for sure, but a) i don't have a good camera quality; b) i don't have a nice place to photo them :( ughghghh so HARD !!! i think this will be all for today, thanks for tuning in, see ya !!!

here i tried to photoshoot my frankie, but this is the best photo i could get... i need to figure out how to photograph them...

~23.04.23~

this is a vent entry.

i guess i just can't stay fucking happy. today i got triggered by my friend's response: "do i look like i listen to bts?". for context, some teens walked by us, started laughing and screaming: "bts!! did you read a new fanfic?" (when they said 'you' they meant one person, not multiple, ukranian language has two words for "you"). they didn't specify who were they talking to. and she immediately thought it was about her. you may think this is stupid thing to be upset about. and you are right, her hair is colored blond, she has bangs, she was in pink clothes, make up, fake septum, converses and had a hello kitty bag. you definitely thought she is a cool person, right? she is, you are right. and im fucking jealous of that. one hour before that, she said "when i looked in a mirror i was about to cry". i don't fucking believe that. she has perfect body, small eyes, cute nose, no stomach and barely any body hair. literally perfect. in the last summer, alot of people came up to her and were saying about how pretty she is, while i was with her. she always says she feels uncomfortable and thinks they are joking. how many of those people do you think said atleast anything about me? zero. not a single one of them. SHE feels uncomfortable?? one girl sat infront of us and asked my friend's instagram and was saying how cool she looks. i was sitting right next to her. i always feel so, so awkward. the only time someone came up to me when i was walking alone and sat down to eat ice cream. that one girl came to me (i think she was 11-12), said that im really pretty and gave me elastic band and ran away. i still keep it in my bracelets and rings box. i was so shocked in that moment that i could only say thank you. funniest thing that i was eating that ice cream like a pig lmao. so embarassing, but im still gratefull to this girl!! i hope she is doing okay...

coming back to my vent. you know, my friend obviously doesn't control these people and doesn't make them compliment only her while i just stand there. but sometimes, when i think someone is staring at me, she says: "look at this person, they are starring at me". oh. okay, i guess you are right. it's just, i want to be visible, you know? i want to get attention too. no one asked my instagram. people came up to my friend probably 5, if not more times, while to me came up once this sweet girl. and that's it. i may seem selfish, but it's really killing my self estem. am i really that hideous? i look nothing like her: big eyes, big chest, which is why every clothing looks stupid on my, even oversized ones, big nose, i have a pretty big stomach, dark body hair. i don't want to shave my leg hair, do make up or look like standart norms to be considered pretty. my friend doesn't look like standart norms and people still consider her pretty. i don't understand. i looked spectacular today, one of my best fits ever. and still, it's just not enough. my friend says my jacket is funny. i asked why is that. she says she is kidding. like you are literally not, i know you fucking meant that, why lie?? i fucking hate jokes about my appearance, i never take them as jokes. i'm gonna stop now.

and even here this stupid day doesn't end. before we got out, sun was shining, weather was finally warm, but after an hour or so, clouds appeared and it started to rain. i got home, really sad. i looked at mirror in elevator and was about to cry about how ugly i am compared to her. she was trying to do a story in insta and filmed me, but i saw myself and literally got scared of myself. i looked beautiful in my bathroom mirror, but on camera i was horrifying. i told her to delete it, she saved it on her phone instead. okay, i got home, tried to hold my tears and my grandma asked: "did you call your parents?" what, why would i? it was about 19:30 and they still weren't home. she called them and they both were drunk. wow sooo surprising, definitely didn't expect that /s. grandma was angry and dissapointed, but i honestly don't give a fuck, so i petted my cat :) i should've left this town, why did i stay here... my grandma made me french fries, i guess this night won't be too terrible.

~24.04.23~

this entry is kinda a vent? like 50/50 i think

today is yet another day of asking why i stayed in my hometown and didn't leave while everyone else did :( bc im a coward, dependent and irresponsible, that's why. i calm myself saying i will leave my uni and choose another one after war ends, but i know damn well that won't happen. and i can drop out right now, but i can't bc i don't have a plan. like at all. if i enroll in another uni, i'll have to pay for it (government pays for me rn). and have to pay a lot, my fam can't afford it. so i feel really bad. money is a difficult subject to me and no one understand that. my family thinks im just saving money, but i physically can't ask for expensive stuff. ok i don't want to talk about it more, im sorry, im too lazy LMAO.

i had one class today, but it wasn't properly lectured bc of air raid sirens. thanks, i guess, i hate that class anyway. also i watched legally blonde for the first time ever and i loved it. i aspire to be like elle for real. i also wanna watch lilo and stitch again. i was shocked to discover that it's actually a movie and not a series??? oh no there is a series, my bad. i still didn't know there was a movie????? feel kinda stoopid.

my parents still aren't home, even tho they said they would be yesterday i don't really care tho. i saw a car crash on the news, which happened on the road to my home, and one of the cars looked like my dad's car (idk how to explain, but it isn't his HIS car. he is a driver and that car is given by his boss). i had a thought that my parents crashed and died, plus they didn't call me once this day. but it wasn't them. they are drunk today too btw and i don't get that, isn't it monday? work day? dad supposed to work? why is he drunk today? but as i said, i don't care, simply curious by their logic.

this entry is kinda short bc nothing happened today really. have a good day, byeee!!!

~25.04.23~

i had a dream today!!! a disturbing one. so i lived in some commune? i don't know. some man came in and started talking with me. after some time, he sat down on a coach and told me to sit. i sat infront of him and he grabbed me by my legs ang carried away. the craziest thing, there were people around, but no one saw it. i tried to scream, but it was pointless for some reason, i think he put something in my mouth. i tried to kick him with my hands, but firstly he was tall, secondly he was strong. suddenly, i got my life got resetted like in a videogame to my last 'checkpoint'. he again told me to sit, but i sat down at another chair, which was higher than his. he looked dissapointed. later, i was really paranoid, especially when i saw him. i didn't tell anyone about what happened. the whole dream i was running away from him and he became angrier and angrier every time. at some point, a pregnant woman came up to me and asked something with anxious voice and then i saw that man walk trough a corridor. i screamed and grabbed a chair towards the woman bc i thought she was with him and tried to do something with me. she looked unfazed and said:"will you actually do it?". i nodded and lightly kicked her in stomach with chair. her face immediately changed, she didn't expect that at all. now she was screaming instead of me and calling me crazy. people came into a room and from fear a dropped the chair. i tried to explain why i did it, i thought she was with that man (and i still think that). no one believed me, obviously. i was screaming in despair, begging to listen to me and do something with the man. a doctor came in and grabbed me. he brought me to the doctor's room (?? idk how it's called), tied to the operating table and took out a syringe with anesthesia. others also came into the room and were watching me. i was still screaming, trying to break free. doctor told me to calm down. while he was trying to give me an injection, i still haven't calm down. but at some moment i found peace and gave up. i thought that he actually is saving me. i still was holding back his hand, but much weaker. he finally gave me the injection in my gum above front tooth. i squeaked and immediately went to sleep. in reality, i woke up. damn, my last dreams had such an epic transitions to reality LMAO. kinda cool in my opinion.

i firstly woke up at 6:20 bc my period started . it was soo painful for no reason, but i took a pill and went back to sleep. i wanted to wake up at 9 and i did, but then fell asleep again.... well, atleast didn't miss class... i also got 8 out of 10 on my second class, which is good, i think. i hope bruh.

why my period is so painful this time?? i took two pills today, that's a lot, bc i will take another one before going to sleep. i feel dizzy all day, i didn't do any homework, didn't watch any of the courses... well, atleast i stretched good today!! i think im gonna do side split really soon!!

my parents finally remembered that they live at our house now. at saturday, my mom said they would go home "tomorrow". today i told her: "it's finally tomorrow!". she later asked if im gonna be angry at her like everyone else. she thought i had an 'attitude' towards her. girl i don't care at all, i was in painnn, what do you want from me??

overall, i had a great evening!!! it's finally warm, bright, alot of people outside. i love this time of the spring! also we had such a beautiful sunset, unfortunately, i didn't make a picture because we were in a car :( just believe me!! that's it for today, thanks for listening, baiiii!!!

~26.04.23~

today was a boring day. but! finally my order came!! after two weeks... but still!! it was two posters: winx and h2o!! i was kinda embarressed at first bc 1) the staff at mail remembered me 2) i don't have my own room, so having posters is yk... they will see it as often as me... buuuuut i already put them up, so they have to deal with it also when i walked to the mail, i saw sooo SO many dandelions!! i took a picture!! so beautiful, i love spring when it's not rainy. i love warm days overall, it makes me happy . also im still not sure what to do with a page about my dolls... i guess i will start coding it and later will add photos, bc i still can't figure out how to take good quality pictures of them (or even if it's gonna be poor, atleast how to make it look nice). so just wanted to say i didn't forget about it. oh damn, a poster came off. i knew it wouldn't stick. okayyy, i will go fix it, byeee

~27.04.23~

just when i thought rainy season ended, it started all over again. you guys, i'm getting really pissed off neow. atleast it's not that cold as it could be.

im procrastinating again... well, you shoudn't be surprised. i wanted to try studying in library, even asked ЦСК where i can find it. they replied with librarian phone number and told me to ask her :| bruh. do they not know where it is themselves??? i just wanted to know where it is oh my gooood. whatever, i saw another library in our city, but their door is always closed and i have no idea how libraries works. i also thought about studying in a cafe, but wouldn't it be awkward as hell? i obviously would buy something, but still... i wish i had a study buddy, but i have 0 friends in uni so no shot. i sometimes wish we actually went to uni instead of having classes online, but being killed by a russian rocket doesn't sound like a great idea.

i was playing cards with my parents and, like always, they got all mad. mom was angry bc she was "losing" (she always wins in the end) and dad got angry too bc of her and said "no more cards" (we always play cards anyway). so annoying, and obviously in the end of each game everyone is silent. i never get angry at cards, maybe sad, but i don't ruin everyone's mood. why do they do that??? yall are grown ass people and act like kindergardens...

oh. i watched lily and stitch!! beautiful movie... also i started watching shameless again. i have seen 8 seasons, but stopped bc i got bored. since it's trending again, i decided to give it a second chance!!

thanks for listening!! here's a pic of my two lol tweens!! see ya!!

~28.04.23~

helloy!!! i was so productive today i got scared LmAo. i finally finished subdivision 1.2. of my coursework i made some progress in coding a page for my dolls!! i still didn't take photos thooo, but im thinking about their personalities and lore. well, some already have it, but not all of them. also i think of making a relationship diagramm between them all. im gonna wash some of them bc i forgot to do it earlier or was too lazy to (they are not dirty btw, their hair is just messed up). well, that's it i think?? i didn't do much exciting today

~29.04.23~

today's dream was weird, as always. so, i went to the centre of my city with mom right before philosophy class. i have no idea why? i don't remember what we did. after an hour i joined the class and found out that the professor isn't there. for some reason, i took her place and tried to teach everyone, but i was veryyy insecure. our group's student monitor interrupted me and was talking till the end. she also gave us homework. it's funny, because she is actually insecure too so i don't really understand the point of this dream at all.

this day was pretty uneventfull. i went out, watched shameless and washed my doll's hair (also styled it). yeah, that's it LMAO. sorry for having boring life :(

~30.04.23~

im not sure i have to make entries if nothing happened, but im afraid i'll forget about this web diary at all if i miss one day. anyway, in short, i played sims 3 for the first time like in month, watched some shameless. also i saw some lights in the sky which supposed to detect drones. creepy, but air raid siren is over now, so it's fine :) for now.

~02.05.23~

for some reason brackets didn't want to open properly o.O but it's fine now. sooo as you see i decided to not make useless entries and now i have some news, so here i am!!

firstlyy, there is a thing at our uni called "student's spring", which basically is a talent show for students. i didn't want to participate, but i was told that they are organizing a dance group. if you remember, i used to dance in a group for nine years, so i couldn't say no. i don't know if they will actually get enough people for a whole group, but it would be interesting i think :) i hope.

secondly, finally in our town weather is getting better!! today i wore a t-shirt with a jacket and a long skirt with socks. god, i love warm weather! plus, we have a lot of trees (because our city is basically a factory ahem) and seeing how everything around you is green is making me sooo happy!! im planning to ride a bycicle on friday, if rain doesn't make an appearance.

also, after more than a month, i can finally get my updated passport back. i already saw my photo in an app... it's so ugly... my mom pointed my bags under eyes. they are so noticable!! also my eyes in general are uneven??? and my face is a square?? so stupid ugh WHATEVER don't care (i do tho). my first passport photo was really good

im playing the sims 3 again, even tho i have a lot of assignments... i have a family with four generations!! it's undoubtely my record, i never could get past two generations. im kinda proud? this family is really interesting, so i can't say im forcing myself to play them, even tho their stories are very basic and predictable.

this is it for now!! thanks for tuning in!

~04.05.23~

heLLO!!! im sorry i didn't write anything yesterdayyy, i was getting sick since then (and i definitly didn't play sims 3 till the midnight), im gonna tell what happened!

okay, yesterday i had to go to uni bc of the whole talent show thing, but they had a meeting on 15:00. i had a class in that time. so a guy said he's gonna tell me on 15:30 if i should go or not. he said no, but i already was far from home. i ate at kfc a taco and strawberry lemonade. my review: taco was too small, but it was okay, pretty eatable. the lemonade was too sweet to my liking, but when ice melt down it got better for a little. it had potential not gonna lie.

about today! i woke sick as hellll, i even thought to stay home, but nah. i had two classes and, well, they were okay i guess. my trainer moved to another studio even further away, so i and my mom had to spend more of our time on a trolleybus (yes, i go to my training with my mum, no, she doesn't go with me, she just goes as emotional support. kinda embarrassing, but idc). well, that was fine, but we didn't know for sure where to go. obviously, she was mad, as always. she was angry the whole walking, she was saying something to me, but at that point, i didn't even response, because it would make her even angrier. then, we FINALLY found the place after 10 mins. and you think she calmed down? NO, she started talking to people there like "there's gonna be a visible sign, yeah, where is it?". okay, she had a point, but she could talk CALMLY. you probably guessed that i was embarassed as fuck. after stretching ended, i apologised to my trainer, she said it was nothing, but i don't believe that.

about her new studio... i don't like it. it's too big!! i hate big space!!! also idk why, but i forgot to tell yall about tuesday's training. we had to stretch in a gym, bc our room/studio was occupied by other people gym was big and we had small space, which is STUPID. the music was loud and overwhelming, i couldn't hear my trainer, i couldn't see anything without my glasses UGHH. i was so annoyed and stressed it's not funny. the most annoying thing was music. god, i wanted to break that damn stereo i swear. sure, i kinda get used to it after like 20 minutes, but still. my point: big space BAD. and new studio is big. too big really. i was overwhelmed today too and what i needed is people talking. but they were SILEEENT. like why are they always talk, when i either don't want it or don't care, but when i desperately need, it's gone? unfair. overall: don't like it, but i can get used to it.

also something weird is going on with my mouse. like i scroll with it and everything (google chrome, sims, discord etc) closes down and opens up again o.O i don't know how to explain this in english properly, sorry. i think i need a new mouse...

im gonna play the sims 3, cuz i feel sick and i know damn well i will not do anything usefull in this state. so byeeee!!

okay i lied, yahiamice posted new video, so im gonna watch that, now BAIIIIII

~06.05.23~

HELLO!! yes i again missed a day... im sorry... so yesterday i actually bought a new mouse!! ALONE!! can i get applause cause i was nervous (well, not really, but still). also i bought new comb and hair gel for my dollsss!! aND my parents FINALLY gave me a camera!! i thought YES finally i will photoshoot my dolls! and guess what. SD-card is broken... bruh... so now i have to wait for a new one.. god, Go_A is SUCH A GOOD BAND OH MY GOD THEIR SONGS ARE INCREDIBLE. im sorry, just listening to the best band rn. what i was saying. oh, i tried the hair gel and i think it's good? i don't know how it should work tbf, i didn't expect it to be so sticky. guys no, i can't do this, you HAVE to listen to this song goddd it's GOOD. OKAY I PROMISE THATS IT. ok ok so i think that's it for yesterday?

what i am about to tell you is one of my most embarrassing moments ever. so, i got a text from a girl who organizes talent show, right? she asked if i could go to our uni today in the morning. of course my naive dumb ass said yes, without asking "what for?" i didn't ask, bc i thought it was obviously for the rehearsal. guess what. IT FUCKING WASNT. and i even asked "are we going to rehearsal?" and they said no, we are meeting applicants... and they all knew... and that bitch didn't tell me a fucking thing... i am so MAD and EMBARRASSED. i didn't leave obv, bc it would be even more awkward. i was with three other girls, but i didn't know them. i honestly wasn't needed there at all... god, im so SO stupid it's actually embarrassing. okay, whatever...

when i go for a walk in headphones, i noticed that i run out of breath really, really fast. like i can walk for a couple of minutes with music blasting in my ears and i already out of breath like i went up the mountain. again, embarrassing, i feel like a dog. and the worst part: i can't stop walking ! my legs are fine, but my lungs don't keep up (i never in my life smoked btw).

i FINALLY finished first chapter of my coursework after three months LMAO. i set my deadline on 17th may, but i got 2 more chapter or 6 subchapters... and i have other classes too. ugh im sick of studying, especially when it's this boring... i would love to be a pilot, like it's my dream job, but my nose won't qualify for this job and also i don't have money for trainings

i want to ride a bycicle so bad. i wanted to do it yesterday, but tires were flat. i hope i will catch another moment. probably this is it for today!! remember, we are three (well, im already two) days apart from eurovision!!! im excited as HELL!!!

~08.05.23~

BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING, i wanted to say what happened on friday (i cant believe i forgot about this). so, i was going to uni by trolleybus, right? i was in headphones and heard barely a noise. i thought something happened with trolley and didn't think about it. i looked at others and realized they all look into a window. i did too and saw an explosion in the sky. idk how to explain what happened there in english, just now that it was a good explosion. not even a minute later my mom called and then my grandma. while i was talking to grandma, i saw a rocket going off in air (it was our rocket, so it was good). i kinda got scared for a sec.

yes, i AGAIN forgot to write an entry yesterday.. so i went to my friend's house to help her understand adobe after effects, bc she didn't understand tutorials. i helped her... kinda... im really bad at explaining things, so yk. then we went outside for a little. i was so tired for no reason afterwards.

moving on to today... today is my dad's birthday, but what is more important... IT'S EUROVISION WEEK YIPPEE!!! tomorrow is first semi-final!! i. am. EXCITED! i also made a list of my favs at this exact moment, if you want to check it out go to the end of the entry! so today i went to uni again. honestly i think i could not go there, bc we didn't do anything? and i wasted like 4 hours of my life? 2 of which were wasted on the road.

about dolls.. i bought hair gel, but i realized putting too much makes hair even worse, so i need to find balance. and im using camera rn! i now have alot of photos of my cat, i will show it sometime.

i wanted to say something else, but forgot, so i think this is it for today! you can now see my top 37 eurovision countries in 2023!

my top 37

• 37. denmark. just no. i hate this song with PASSION. it's horrible, k-pop copycat
• 36. ireland. i hated this song at first, but now i just simply don't like it. elvis presley DOOP
• 35. greece. it's so basic... when i saw his rehearsal... just horrible, really.
• 34. czech republic. look, i loved their studio version and it was actually 6th in my first top. but their live vocals, song's meaning, costumes, hair, stage decorations. horrible, just horrible. and the worst part: their perfomance has no connection to the meaning of the song! it was about 'slavic sisterhood' (which is stupid as FUCK) to 'girl power' or something like that. did they change bc of the scandal around their song? probably yes.
• 33. iceland. her voice is powerful, no kidding, but the song itself is generic and boring. staging didn't improve situation either.
• 32. israel. this is probably unpopular opinion, but this song doesn't make sense to me at all. why is she singing about unicorn power? how does it connect with femininity?? the song also very basic, i simply don't get the hype, the most overrated song this year. the staging confuses me as well, on TV her dance break looks weird in my opinion. she dances roughly and fast, while camera moves smoothly and slowly. it doesn't match and looks bad.
• 31. italy. YAAWNNNNNNN. don't like this. im not a fan of ballads at all (obv there are exceptions and italy's song is not the one).
• 30. malta. simply not my genre, but i like the sax (is it how that instrument called?).
• 29. poland. bejBA, it's kinda crejza. queen, but i prefer jann and her song is just kinda boring to me.
• 28. cyprus. i dislike songs like this (songs that are about bRoKeN hEaRtS bC oF loVe and etc), but his voice is kinda nice.
• 27. azerbaijan. cuties, but again, boring song. what i have to say tho, they have nice staging in my opinion, which is way they are not in the bottom of my list.
• 26. netherlands. again, staging looks nice, but the song is not as good as others.
• 25. romania. the only reason he is that high is because i really like his voice, it's the song and staging that brings him down. his national selection perfomance was definitely something... and his rehearsal... yeahhh, this guy is NOT qualifying.
• 24. albania. i don't really know what to say about them, they are okay.
• 23. san marino. okay, hear me out. their song is growing on me, i can't lie... and the man's voice is pretty interesting too. i don't think they are as bad as people say.
• 22. estonia. again, i have nothing to say. it's okay?? not great, not bad. average.
• 21. norway. yess, yesssss i knooow. i wouldn't say she is overrated, it's just not my cup of tea.
• 20. latvia. i hope they will qualify, because they sound really nice live.
• 19. portugal. underrated, even by me!! my issue with this song is the staging and the lack of it, also it's really dark to me.
• 18. spain. i'm glad countries are sending their culture to eurovision, buttttt it doesn't mean im gonna like it. okay, well, i like eaea, but not THAT much yk.
• 17. serbia. what i liked about his rehearsal is his perfomance. the song sooo. welllll... im a hater of his "hELLO? game over.", just NO!!!
• 16. united kingdom. it's kinda growing on me, not gonna lie. also staging looks very cool, can't wait to see it properly!
• 15. Ukraine. i didn't vote for tvorchi, but i wasn't against them. they are okay, the staging tho oh my GOODNESS it looks incredible. i sing their song alot these days against my own will.
• 14. lithuania. she was much higher at my top before... doesn't mean i don't like her tho. her song is good, but im afraid she won't qualify...
• 13. slovenia. this one is definitely grown on me. it just sounds so nice i have to stan.
• 12. belgium. my dad is serving as he should!! praying to god for his qualification. if it won't happen, eurovision is doomed...
• 11. croatia. i love freaks, those guys are not exception, but i agree that missiles are very unnecessary and might be triggering to some of us.
• 10. france. top 10 baby!! i think france is getting waaayyy too overhyped over rehearsal, but the song IS good, no doubt about it.
• 9. moldova. moldova did it AGAIN!!! honestly they are my fav country in eurovision, their last three entries are fantastic!!
• 8. sweden. remember i said israel's sond is the most overrated? i lied, tattoo is the most overrated song this year. im not a big fan of tattoo, but im in love with the staging. i have a fear tho that in eurovision it will not look as good as it did at melodyfestival (or whatever is called IM SORRY).
• 7. switzerland. he's that high only bc of the rehearsal. i love the staging, love the dance, his voice and song. what i don't like is lyrics. bro, you are from SWITZERLAND, you will not be a soldier.
• 6. armenia. brunette is so gorgeous it should be illegal to be so pretty... love the armenian part, love the rap part, love the staging, love the costume. I LOVE EVERYTHING!!!
• 5. austria. LMAO WHO THE HELL IS EDGARD JUST STARTED PLAYING BRO WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! while i love this song, im nervous about their perfomance in eurovision... im still not convinced ab their vocals.
• 4. germany. this one grew on me really fast, actually they are the reason i made this list, bc they even weren't present in my old top 10 list. they are UN-DE-RAT-TED!!! and i mean it. their song sounds so good, the growl actually sound nice, which is a shocker to me (i DESPISE those type of growls and screams, which is why im not a big fan of rock and metal). top 10 potential!!! please!!! top 10??
• 3. australia. another unpopular opinion, considering they have a big chance to NOT qualify, which is sad!! i don't know why people don't like them. i think they are really good and i love "promise"!! guys please PLEASE let them qualify!!!
• 2. georgia. the ONLY reason she is not first is bc i love her and the first place equally and had to judge based on their chances of winning. unfortunately, she has looooow chances, so she is second. even tho her lyrics doesn't make sense, they do to ME!!! girl i get you, i understand you perfectly! her staging looks so goood tooo!!! she WILL qualify and she WILL be in top 10, mark my words.
• 1. finland. this. this is just perfect. when i saw his rehearsal i just knew he is taking this win (let's pretend loreen isn't here ok let me dream). everything about this entry is perfect: the song, the staging, the dance, the costumes. everything. not a single flaw. MY WINNER!!

~09.05.23~

i had a dream about eurovision? i guss i was a participant. the only thing i remember from that dream is that Loreen was so MEAN to me for no reason. that's so sad...

i got yall some drama here. so i was coming out of bath right and i hear how my dad's phone is ringing all the time. silence. then i hear my mom SCREAMING "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?", "SHUT YOUR MOUTH" etc... so my parents' realtionship were really complicated for the last year, i actually thought they would get a divorce (sadly, they didn't). in their "break up" period my dad managed to find a gf (my mom i guess also was in a relationship, but it's not about her rn). they got back together suddenly and broke up with their partners. so today that woman 1 with another woman 2 called my dad (i have never met her, i dont even know her name, also they are drunk rn) and started threating my mom? i kinda feel bad for this woman 1 to be fair, dad broke up with her really fast and out of nowhere. my parents argued for a little and called some other woman 3?? told her about their situation and that woman 3 told them to call some depsrtment to tell on there women 1 and 2 (bc they are drunk at work). okay sorry, my info rn could be NOT reliable cuz i don't know well those people. so, my mom talks with woman 2 rn i think? i don't really understand what they are talking about. the only thing i have to say is... are they really fighting over THAT man?? bro, i would NEVER. he is a bad person, an alcoholic AND a dependent man, who barely can do anything by himself. if i was my mom, i would with pleasure give him away and be happy.

i have some time before eurovision starts, so!!! okay, i and my mom drove to the new studio right and she left me for meeting with woman 1 (the ex). i was peacefully stretching. i went outside and my mom said "can you go home alone?". well, why did you with me then in the first place? whatever, of course i can. she wanted to call a taxi. i fucking hate taxis, but it was already late for my trolleybus, so i had to drove by another one and then by metro, and THEN by walking. she said no at first, but i didn't care and did my way anyway. she told me some of things that happened while i wasn't around: dad wished my mom was dead(very cool yes), my dad came to their meeting (why bro LMAO he is so pathetic), my dad thinks my mom influences my opinion AGAIN (i have dejavu...)... she said she will tell more later (later=never). my biggest concern was being late to eurovision, nothing else.

~14.05.23~

honeslty im too lazy to talk about events in my life, so we will talk about eurovision. this gotta be the worst voting results EVER. i was watching it with my friend and even asked god to let finland win. as we can see, god doesn't exist, but devils definitely do and go by name jury. yk, on first semi-final i was happy with 100% results, but then semi-final 2 happen... FUCKING HELL, GEORGIA DIDN'T QUALIFY! IM STILL MAD!! she placed 12th place, what the FUCK?? THIS was the moment i realized eurovision need juries. then grand final happened.... do i even have to say anything? RIGGED AS FUCK!! the most enjoyble thing was watching loreen's "geniune" reaction to every 12 points from juries. finland or anyone at this point didn't have a CHANCE to win. 340 points from juries alone, are you kidding me?! how is that even fair? kaarija got like 340 point from public and STILL lost. and do i even have to say about germany's last place with 18 points. FUCK eurovision, FUCK televoting, FUCK juries. i HATE them ALL. my proposal: 25% jury votes 75% televoting. then eurovision finally will be at peace and actually fucking enjoyable. also i fucking died at 5 points from audience to spain, when it was a fan favourite LMAOOOOO. also 50 points to france and her iconic reaction, that's true queen behaviour, i have to stan. portugal ROBBED, moldova ROBBED, croatia ROBBED, AUSTRIA FUCKING ROBBED. i was satisfied with belgium's and australia's places and also very surprised, i didn't expect them to be top 10 at all. israel too high and italy.... seriously? who tf voted for that gay ass?? his song is basic and boring af. i tell you, this year's voting results gotta change the voting system. people focused on finland's win and ignored other countries. THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN! people should not fight against juries points! jury supposed to balance televotes, not give such an advantage! to sum up this rant, here is my top 37 countries AFTER the show.

top 37

• 37. denmark (=). still the worst song of the season.
• 36. ireland (=). also still the worst song of the season.
• 35. greece (=). stop sending kids to eurovision bro, they are NOT prepared for it at that age!
• 34. czech republic (=). they really have to establish the meaning of their song. also 10th place is crazy, who voted for them?!
• 33. italy (-2). boring. sloppy. yawn fest.
• 32. iceland (+1). my opinion is the same.
• 31. cyprus (-3). too many high notes. too many.
• 30. poland (-1). god, the staging LMAOOOO. everything about it is cursed, how tf did she qualify?? i can't believe my people gave her 12 points, where is our dignity???
• 29. netherlands (-3). nothing special about them really.
• 28. israel (+4). im gonna be honest, the only reason she is higher bc her song is fun to sing (like "you wanna see me dance?! watch me". like, it's so satisfying!), but it's still doesn't make sense to me and she got placed TOO high for my liking.
• 27. malta (+3). they had so much fun on stage, i felt bad... the song is basic tho.
• 26. romania (-1). wtf is that staging? he deserved those 0 points.
• 25. estonia (-3). i did NOT expect her to qualify. obviously, jury liked her, so that's way she's at 8th place (crazy and undeserved). i don't think her song is that good tbh.
• 24. lithuania (-10). simply got bored with her song, im sorry. she deserved that 11th place tho! good for her.
• 23. azerbaijan (+4). really sad they didn't qualify, even tho it was obvious af. i think they had one of the best perfomance this season, it's the song that kinda ruined everything.
• 22. norway (-1). ROBBED by juries, i didn't expect so small amount of points from them. she still got 5th place, what a queen!!
• 21. spain (-3). 5 points from audience is a crime, i didn't see this coming at all.
• 20. serbia (-3). i understand people's dissapointment about his place in grand final, but i'm not surpised, i couldn't see him in top 10, maybe could in top 20.
• 19. albania (+5). yk, they are growing on me. i didn't agree with their qualifying, but now im kinda happy for them.
• 18. latvia (+2). their staging was nice, but i'm not surprised they didn't qualify.
• 17. portugal (+2). ROBBED. ROBBED. ROBBED. ROBBED. ROBBED.
• 16. Ukraine (-1). i'm still shocked we ended up being 6th??? really thankful tho, tvorchi gave all their energy! even jeffery sounded more confident than on rehearsals! good for them!
• 15. slovenia (-2). i don't see the hype, typical indie song to me personally. i mean, the song is good, but not that good yk? definitely didn't deserve 21th place tho, i thought they would be at least top 20 or top 10.
• 14. san marino (+9). now hear me out. this song has grown on me a lot and they DID NOT deserve zero points at. ALL. plus man's voice is cool, i have to stan this song, sorry not sorry. i just realized i said the same in previous top, well, i am right!
• 13. sweden (-5). fuck this basic generic pop ass song, i have no more comments. winners should be banned from returning to eurovision.
• 12. switzerland (-5). i still think it's hilarious how a boy from SWITZERLAND sings about not wanting to be a soldier. rehearsal got me hyped up, but i got dissapointed really quick in first semi final.
• 11. croatia (=). robbed. that's it, i have nothing else to say.
• 10. france (=). r-o-b-b-e-d. she DID NOT deserve such small ammount of points and 16th place. her reaction is so iconic, the biggest mother of them all.
• 9. armenia (-3). her dance break was soooo unnesessary. such a slow song and here she is breakdancing, be serious.
• 8. united kingdom (+8). i really liked her staging and charisma. also people hate on her vocals, but i don't think they are that bad really, they sounded fine? she SO didn't deserve 25th place bro, what the hell??? wasn't she a fan favourite, wth happened?!
• 7. austria (-2). 16 points from public is crazy. absolutely undeserved treatment.
• 6. moldova (+3). i tell you, this year's results are crazy, what do you mean 18TH PLACE?! europe just hates moldova i guess.
• 5. australia (-2). THEY QUALIFED!!!!! AND THEY WON SECOND SEMI FINAL WHAT???!!! they are 9th place WHAT?!?!?!? god im so proud of them it's crazy, they really did it!!!!
• 4. belgium (+8). LOOK AT MY DAD AT 7TH PLACE OH MY GOOOOD. HE SHOWED EVERYONE HIS WORTH, GOOD FOR HIM!!!
• 3. germany (+1). last fucking place. literally how? how did lordi managed to win in 2006, yet lotl is last?! 18 points??? europe hates metal and i hate europe, fuck yall!
• 2. georgia (=). i hope yall didn't mark my words. im devastated. she was at 12th place in semi final... this world is doomed forever. ALL MY HOMIES HATE 100% TELEVOTING!
• 1. finland (=). i am devastated AGAIN. the true winner of eurovision 2023. still, i hoped till the end he would win. the fact that he apologised for not winning... im literally gonna kms. FUCK 50% JURIES 50% PUBLIC SYSTEM GUYS!! he did NOT have a chance, sadly. we need a new voting system NOW.